The Mountain Dew and Fritoes Series
by Princess Lily E.C.A
Summary: Once there was a girl named Lily. Said girl one day happened upon a little show on the Sci-Fi channel called Farscape. Girl became enthralled to point of obsession. This is the result.
1. And so it begins

Title: The Farscape Thing I Wrote After Eating Half a Bag of Fritos and Drinking Lots of Mountain Dew  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: While I very strongly wish I owned Farscape, sadly I do not. If somehow I manage to obtain Farscape, I will share with my reviewers. *hint, hint*  
  
Author's Note: I would just like to take the time to state that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE BAD. This chapter was a sort of vauge attempt to be like Corde of Cordefic fame. I failed miserably, but in the next chapter I take an entirely different approach and it's so much better. This story was written a very long time ago (about Season Three I think), so please don't send me flames that say 'u suck jool is gone wtf is your problem'. If you review me and tell me I suck, please have the courtesy to use correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Creative word choice is optional, but encouraged!  
  
Today I'm very bored, so I decided to write a thing about Farscape.  
  
Aeryn: Okay, so when is this 'thing' going to start?  
  
Lily: It already started.  
  
Jool: Oh, my God it's started I have to go fix my hair!  
  
(Jool goes off to fix her hair.)  
  
Just then, Rose my muse popped up out of nowhere to bother me.  
  
Rose: I inspired you to write this piece of dren?! There are only 4 characters in it and two of them are us!  
  
Lily: Fine, I'll do something exciting with my story.  
  
Lily makes Jothee (who should have never left Moya in the first place) pop up out of nowhere (lots of popping in this story.) Jothee stands around looking confused.  
  
Jothee: Um, where am I?  
  
Lily: Oh, my God, you are boring. *imitates annoying British lady on the Weakest Link* G' bye. Jothee disappears.  
  
D'Argo leaps into the room in Lily's leotard.  
  
D'Argo: I'm a ballet dancer!  
  
D'Argo jetés around the room.  
  
Lily: Hey, D'Argo you just missed Jothee.  
  
D'Argo stops jeteing.  
  
D'Argo: He's gone? Nnnnnnnnnnoooooooooo!  
  
D'Argo bursts in to tears.  
  
D'Argo: Wahh!  
  
D'Argo leaves because Lily doesn't want to deal with a crying Luxan.  
  
Jool: So, what now?  
  
Lily: Oh, you're already back from fixing your hair. I guess we could have Crais sing.  
  
Crais: You called?  
  
Lily: Actually, no but we want you to sing.  
  
Jool & Aeryn: What do you mean we?  
  
Lily: Just go with it.  
  
Crais starts to sing in a high soprano voice.  
  
Crais: Tonight, Tonight-  
  
Lily: Now is not a good time for West Side Story!  
  
Crais disappears because Lily is mad at him for singing that song that she now can't get out of her head.  
  
Aeryn: Does this have any point at all?  
  
Lily: I don't think so.  
  
Aeryn: Then I'm leaving, if you need me I'll be in the cargo bay with John. We're going to make out, then I'm going to say some stuff about emotional baggage and he's going to be sad, okay?  
  
Lily: Okay.  
  
Aeryn tries to leave but is blocked by Rose.  
  
Rose: Wait a second. Is this the end? You can't end it here. That would-  
  
Aeryn punches Rose's lights out.  
  
THE END  
  
John: Wait a sec that can't be the end!  
  
Lily: Why not?  
  
John: I didn't have any lines!  
  
Lily: So?  
  
John: I want some lines!  
  
Lily: You just had three, G'bye.  
  
THE END (FOR REAL!) 


	2. And so it continues

Title: The Farscape Thing I Wrote after Eating Half a Bag of Fritoes and Drinking Lots of Mountain Dew....The Sequel!  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Drunkeness, General Mistreatment of Characters, and References to Evil Iraqi deities)  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Farscape, why would I be writing fanfiction? (Or stalking Ben Browder for that matter?)  
  
Author's Note: Well kids, you made it to chapter two, congrats! This next story in our series features much mayhem and an actual plot! Gasp! A plot! All who review get mentions in the next chapter and maybe I'll let you share Ben.  
  
Lily is sitting at her computer being bored.  
  
Lily: I'm bored.  
  
Lily is repeating herself seeing as she is the narrator.  
  
Lily: I'm repeating myself seeing as I'm-  
  
Rose, who has a black eye, whaps Lily over the head with a Beanie Baby.  
  
Rose: Knock that off!  
  
Lily: Well I'm bored, and you're not inspiring me at all!  
  
Rose: It's not my fault, it's...the pixie's fault! Yeah, that's it, those stupid little things steal all the ideas I come up with for you!  
  
Lily is paying no attention to Rose.  
  
Lily: What I need to do is write something so utterly silly that I jump- start my creativity.  
  
Rose: Oh, no. You're not thinking-  
  
Lily: Oh yes I am. It's time for another Farscape fic!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
As our story opens, we see D'Argo who is in the middle of a therapy session with the ghost of Zhann.  
  
D'Argo: And so I was betrayed by practically everyone I know. Okay. Wait a microt, are you even a qualified therapist? I mean, well, you're just kind of floating there and I'm sure that's not helping me psychologically, and-  
  
Zhann: I'm dead D'Argo. I've seen the great beyond and it has made me wise. And that's why I have the highest rates.  
  
D'Argo: Darn it, you do? I should've called Progressive where they give you their rates plus the rates of three other leading companies. But, wait that's for auto insurance.  
  
Zhann: Your mental state is even worse than I thought. I'll have to hike up the price another ten bucks an hour. Announcer Dude: We interrupt this Farscape endorsed Progressive commercial, to bring you the rest of the story. And Lily, I do not like to be referred to as "Announcer Dude"  
  
Lily: Jeez, I'm sorry!  
  
Rose whaps Lily with the Beanie Baby again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
John is walking toward the cargo bay.  
  
John: Oh, good. I'm actually in this one.  
  
Lily: You were in the last one too!  
  
John mutters evil sounding things under his breath.  
  
Rose: Why is he walking toward the cargo bay?  
  
John: Yeah, why am I walking toward the cargo bay?  
  
Lily: You have to deal with Rygel. Somebody gave him coffee.  
  
Lily glares at Rose.  
  
Rose runs off to Canada.  
  
John rushes off to the cargo bay to deal with Rygel who is currently achieving landspeed records previously preformed by an SUV.  
  
Lily looks around to see that she is utterly alone. She decides to bring her friends into the story.  
  
Nicole (she's Lily's friend) looks confused.  
  
Lydia (other friend): Wow, this is the weirdest dream I've ever had. And I've had some weird ones.  
  
Lily: This isn't a dream, it's my fic!  
  
Lydia: I don't like it when you write about me! It makes me paranoid!  
  
Nicole: I don't like it here!  
  
Nicole closes her eyes and curls up in a little ball on the floor.  
  
Aeryn walks in and looks at Nicole. Aeryn: What's with her?  
  
Lily: That's my friend Nicole. She doesn't like it here.  
  
Lydia tugs on Lily's sleeve.  
  
Lydia: Send me home right now!  
  
Lily: My fic makes Lydia paranoid.  
  
Aeryn: You have strange friends.  
  
Nicole opens her eyes just long enough to glare at Aeryn.  
  
Lily: Okay, okay. You can leave.  
  
Nicole and Lydia go outside to wait for Lily.  
  
Rygel zips into the room still on a caffeine high.  
  
Rygel: WWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Rygel is being chased by John, Chiana, D'Argo, the ghost of Zhann, Jool, Crais, Scorpius, several DRDs, and Vice-President Dick Cheny.  
  
Lily: Okay, wait a sec! What is Vice-President Dick Cheny doing in my story? How did Crais and Scorpius get on the ship? Aren't the ghost of Zhann and D'Argo still in a therapy session? And what about-  
  
Rose, who has come back from Canada, whaps Lily on the head with the Beanie Baby yet again.  
  
Rose is holding a bottle of Jack Daniels.  
  
Rose: Aren't you (hiccup) forgetting? This isn't supposed to have a point. (giggle)  
  
Rose becomes hysterical with laughter. She has to be carried out by Dick Cheny.  
  
Lily: Well, at least we got rid of Cheny. Now lets see, okay Crais and Scorpius have to go away because I have nothing I can do with you.  
  
Crais and Scorpius leave and try to make a pass at my friends who are waiting for me outside. Nicole and Lydia sue them for sexual harassment and they go to jail.  
  
The Artist Formerly Known as Announcer Dude: We interrupt our story for a word from an organization known as Woman against Sexual Harassment.  
  
Women against Sexual Harassment: Keep you hands to yourself!  
  
The Artist Formerly Known as Announcer Dude: Thank you. And Lily, I'm seriously warning you about the name thing!  
  
Lily: Okay, what would you prefer to be called?  
  
Whoever the heck this guy is: I'd like to be called Shirley.  
  
Lily looks scared.  
  
Lily: Okay, let's go on to the next part of the story.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
John feels the ship move in an odd fashion.  
  
John: I just felt the ship move in an odd fashion.  
  
Lily: Okay, no one is allowed to repeat the narrator anymore!  
  
John: Sorry.  
  
Rose (who is now sober): What have I told you about using the word fashion when you're not talking about clothing!  
  
Lily: Sorry!  
  
Shirley: We interrupt this mass apology session to bring you the rest of our story.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
John felt the ship move in an odd way.  
  
Rose: No, no, no. That's even worse! It makes you sound British.  
  
Lily: So? I like the British.  
  
Rose: But you're not one of them!  
  
Lily: Okay, I'll try again.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
John felt a strange movement coming from the ship.  
  
Lily: Is that okay with you Rose?  
  
Rose: Oh, I guess.  
  
Lily: Thank you.  
  
John: So, what's the odd movement?  
  
Lily: You have a Ph.D. don't you?  
  
John: Two.  
  
Lily: Well, then you figure it out!  
  
Rose whaps Lily with the Beanie Baby yet again.  
  
Rose: Be nice to the characters!  
  
Lily: Okay then! The odd movement was Scorpy's Command Carrier! He's shooting at us!  
  
Everyone besides Lily: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Lily: Ya know, multiple exclamation points are a sign of a deranged mind.  
  
Rose: And the spellcheck doesn't like it.  
  
Everyone besides Lily and Rose: Whatever!!!!!  
  
John: So, what about the Command Carrier?  
  
Lily: Talyn will be here to blow it up in 5...4...3...2...  
  
Talyn zooms in and blows up the Command Carrier.  
  
Everyone: Yea!!!!  
  
Rose: There they go with the multiple exclamation points again.  
  
Aeryn punches Rose's lights out.  
  
Rose is now down for the count.  
  
THE END  
  
Rose: How come I always get knocked out?  
  
Lily: I guess it's because Aeryn doesn't like you. Aeryn: Darn tootin'!  
  
Rose: I have a hard time believing that Aeryn would say 'Darn tootin'  
  
Lily: Well she did. So there!  
  
Rose: Remind me why I'm your muse again?  
  
Lily: I saved you from those Iraqis who were going to sacrifice you to the cheese gods. Remember?  
  
Rose: Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Thank you.  
  
Lily: You're Welcome.  
  
THE END (I'm not kidding this time!) 


End file.
